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Helping Kids Cope with Divorce

 

A child’s reaction to a parent’s divorce is affected by many different factors.  One of the most important factors is the fact that they are young and immature. Children are born feeling that they are the center of the family and all things that happen in the family are due to them.  This works in their favor when the family is functioning well, but when the family is struggling, children often blame themselves.  This self-blame and their lack of well developed coping skills can create short and long term emotional and behavioral problems.

 

As a parent, there are many things you can do during the various stages of your divorce to minimize the negative effect that divorce can have.

 

The First Step:

 

Once you and your spouse decide to divorce, how you tell your children is very important.  It is a moment that your children are likely to remember for the rest of their lives.

 

If at all possible, the children should be told at the same time, by both parents.  This conversation should be planned out and discussed ahead of time.  Do not let this conversation coincide with another special event, such as a birthday party or holiday.  Both parents should sit down with the children and acknowledge that, as the children know, they have been not getting along.  Be honest, but try not to give more details than necessary.

 

Be very clear about the following:          

· The divorce is not AT ALL their fault.  You will want to repeat this one regularly

· This is final and non-negotiable

· Explain where they will be living and the visitation schedule

· Inform them of the known changes ( new school)

· Do not make promises that you can’t keep (ie We will never move.)

· Encourage them to ask questions and keep the answers as straight forward as possible

· Look for books or websites dedicate to children to help them cope(i.e.http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/divorce.html)

· Give them space to grieve, comfort them if they want you to

 

The Second Step:

 

Once the parents have established separate residences, it will be important to quickly establish a new schedule and routine.  Children thrive under the predictability of routine.  It sends the message that they are being kept safe and are being cared for.  During the transition that divorce requires, these routines are especially important.  Expect an adjustment period, but the sooner these routines are established, the sooner you will see your children adjusting.

 

The following tips may be useful:

· Keep routines and schedules as consistent as possible.  This means that the child continues to attend scheduled classes, etc regardless of which parent they are with that day.

· If at all possible, keep children in the same house and school as prior to the divorce

· Arrange one-on-one times with each of your children

· Keep scheduled pick up and drop off times.  Be punctual.

· Do not send a message to the other parent through your children.  Use direct communication, such as calling or email

· Have the children keep personal possessions at both homes.  Arrange a personal space at each home and refer to both homes as theirs

· Try to keep the children connected with their extended family on both sides

· Anticipate the problems associated with holidays and birthdays and plan what is in the best interest of the child

· Try to be consistent with rules between homes.  This will require negotiation from BOTH parents

· Do not undermine the other parent’s authority and rules, even if you have decided on different rules for your home

· Do not argue in front of the children.  This includes over the phone, but especially at pick up times.

 

Ongoing Co-parenting Issues:

 

After the initial adjustment has been made, it is often easy for parents to develop habits that create long-term stress for children.  Setting healthy patterns from the beginning with help minimize this, but you may need to revisit your own approach from time to time.  It is much easier to point out how the other parent is misbehaving, but that is seldom helpful or effective.  As difficult as it can be, look at your own approach.  As you know, you cannot change the other parent.  You can only manage your own behavior.

 

Here are some common problems to watch out for:

 

· NEVER speak badly of the other parent, even if your child is angry and venting to you

· Remember the other parent is as much a part of them as you are

· Don’t force the children to take sides

· Never ask the other child to “spy” and avoid asking prying questions

· Do not turn the child into and adult (ie “Now you’re the man of the house.”  Allow them to be a child

· Minimize the information you share with the child.  Make sure it is age appropriate and relevant.  Ask yourself “Is this something they can really help with?”  This is especially true for financial information and with new relationships

· Use other adults as your primary means of emotional support, not the children

· Be your child’s primary means of emotional support

· Take care of yourself so that you can be this support for your child

· If the other parent severs the relationship with your child, find a trusted person of the same gender to step in and help with guidance about gender related issues. This is relevant whether the missing parent is the same or opposite gender as your child.  YOU CANNOT DO THIS YOURSELF.

 

 

Remember, divorce is an emotionally charged transition in your and your child’s life.  However, most families find good ways to cope and adjust to this change.  Children are resilient and will do fine, even though you will make some mistakes along the way.  If your child seems to be struggling with these changes, you may want to seek professional help.

 

Divorce & Kids